Are We Wired for Chaos
The Science of Love & Neurodivergence: Are We Wired for Chaos?
A Cynical Romantic’s Adventures in Dopamine, Serotonin & Surviving Date Night With My Brain
My Brain, Shakespeare, and Chicken Nuggets: A Love Story
Let’s begin with a confession: I once tried to impress a date by spontaneously quoting Shakespeare. In my head, I was delivering a swoon-worthy “To be or not to be” moment. In reality? I misquoted Hamlet, fumbled the ending, and then—thanks to a sudden intrusive thought—found myself wondering whether chicken nuggets count as a coping mechanism for existential dread.
(Spoiler: on Tuesdays, they absolutely do.)
So, if your brain has ever sabotaged your love life faster than you can say “Where did I leave my keys?”—pull up a chair. You’re in good company here in the land of neurodivergence, romance, and the beautiful disaster known as emotional chemistry.
Are We Wired for Chaos? (Spoiler: Yes, but it’s adorable.)
Falling in love is already like skydiving with a parachute someone else packed. Add ADHD or OCD into the mix, and now you’re skydiving with a parachute that may or may not actually be a backpack full of mildly annoyed cats.
Neurodivergence doesn’t just “add complexity” to romance. No, no. It is:
• the plot twist,
• the comedic relief,
• AND the existential crisis
all rolled into one emotionally unstable chimichanga.
Psychiatrist Dr. Ned Hallowell—legendary ADHD expert—describes our brains as “Ferraris with bicycle brakes”[1]. Fast, fiery, impressive… and occasionally on fire.
Meanwhile, comedian Maria Bamford captures the OCD courtship ritual flawlessly:
“I love you so much, I’m going to check the stove… and your zodiac sign… thirteen times.”
Honestly? Same. Nothing says desire quite like planetary alignment and intrusive doubt.
The Dopamine Date Night: Why ADHD Messes With Chemistry (Literally)
Now let’s talk brain soup—specifically dopamine and serotonin, the little gremlins that allegedly help with romance.
Dopamine — the “reward” chemical. It fuels motivation, attention, and that little spark when your crush texts, “Hey.”
ADHD — a neurodevelopmental condition involving impulsivity, distractibility, and dysregulated dopamine.
ADHD brains tend to be low on dopamine. Imagine trying to light a romantic candle with a soggy match—that’s courtship with untreated ADHD.
Therapist Ari Tuckman puts it this way: “ADHD isn’t a lack of attention; it’s a regulation problem.”[2]
Translation: You’re not ignoring your date’s story about their childhood dog. Your brain is just juggling eighteen tabs, one intrusive memory from seventh grade, and a sudden desire to look up why geese fly in a V formation.
Meanwhile…
OCD is the overzealous bouncer at Club Love.
• Serotonin misfires
• Intrusive thoughts crash the VIP section
• Compulsions show up demanding ID
As Maria Bamford once joked:
“I want to be intimate, but first let me alphabetize your sock drawer.”
Love is dead. Long live neurodivergence.
Why Some Struggles Feel ‘Uncontrollable’: Inside the Brain’s Wild Ride
Ever tried to not text your ex at 2 AM? Or convince yourself your partner doesn’t secretly hate your throw pillow collection? Welcome to impulsivity, overthinking, and intrusive mental pop-up ads.
The prefrontal cortex—the brain’s project manager—is supposed to regulate emotion.
But with ADHD? It’s understaffed and slightly hungover.
With OCD? It’s running mandatory audits no one asked for.
Dr. Russell Barkley’s research shows emotional regulation problems in ADHD are neurological, not moral failures[3]. Wiring doesn’t negotiate.
Once, I spent an entire date panicking because I thought I’d left the stove on… only to remember halfway through dessert that I do not, in fact, own a stove.
Therapist called it “progress.” Generous.
Modern Treatment Advances: Love Gets a Power-Up
Deep breath—this isn’t doom. Science has entered the chat.
ADHD treatments (extended-release stimulants, CBT) and OCD treatments (SSRIs, ERP therapy) are far more precise today.
The goal is not perfection. It’s balance—just enough dopamine to remember your date’s birthday, but not so much that you hyperfocus on reorganizing your sock drawer at 3 AM.
Couples counselors specializing in neurodivergence are rising too.
Dr. Sarah Cheyette says, “Understanding the neurological ‘why’ opens the door to compassion and solutions.”[4]
Translation: You can now justify 3 AM frozen-burrito rituals as “treatment-adjacent coping.”
My personal combo of meds, therapy, honesty, and strategic humor has made dating not only possible—but occasionally magical.
Or at least survivable. Which is close enough.
Final Thoughts from The Cynical Romantic
So… are we wired for chaos? Probably. But chaos adds character to your love story.
Love gets more interesting—more human—when the brain insists on turning every date into a tragicomedy. And if your mind likes to sprinkle in dopamine detours, serotonin misfires, or existential thoughts about chicken nuggets… congratulations. You’re living authentically.
So here’s to the romantics whose brains run 15 minutes ahead, 20 minutes behind, or in 37 directions at once:
May your next love be patient.
May your therapist be caffeinated.
And may your stove—real or imaginary—always be off.
Personally, I’ll decide whether love is science gone wrong or a beautiful disaster right after I double-check my locks. Again.
✨ Your Turn, Brave Reader
Tell me your biggest date-night blunder — ADHD-related, OCD-infused, or just beautifully human.
Drop it in the comments so we can all laugh, cry, and silently whisper, “Oh good, it’s not just me.”
Sources & Further Reading
Tracy Otsuka— ADHD for Smart Ass Women How to fall in love with your Neurodivergent Brain
Dr. Edward Hallowell — ADHD 2.0 New Science and Strategies for Thriving with Distraction--from Childhood through Adulthood
https://drhallowell.com/books/Ari Tuckman, PsyD — ADHD and Relationship Strategies
https://adultadhdbook.com/Dr. Russell Barkley — ADHD Emotional Regulation Research
https://www.russellbarkley.org/Dr. Sarah Cheyette — ADHD & Relationships
https://www.sarahcheyette.com/
Bonus Picks:
• Maria Bamford’s Netflix Special (for the joyfully anxious)
• How to ADHD YouTube Channel (Jessica McCabe)
• The OCD Stories Podcast