Zombie Love Stories
from the Cynical Romantic
It’s Halloween — the one night a year when we willingly invite the undead into our living rooms and call it entertainment. But what about the ones that slip into your DMs instead? The ex who reappears just when you’ve finally moved on, resurrected by nothing more than a “Hey stranger.” For anyone who’s ever survived that eerie buzz-buzz after midnight, congratulations: you’ve officially lived through the romantic apocalypse. Tonight, we unearth the art of zombie relationships — where closure is a myth, and the ex never stays buried.
When They Text “U Up?” from the Grave
First, they ghosted you — vanishing faster than the last bag of mini Snickers on Halloween night. Then, weeks or months later, your phone glows with the unmistakable ping of doom: U up? or Hey stranger. That, dear reader, is zombieing — when a ghosted ex rises from the digital grave, craving the warm flesh of your emotional energy.
No, they’re not back for closure. They’re back for comfort food — your empathy, attention, and the reassurance that you’re still there if they need a midnight snack of validation. Think Night of the Living Dead, except every zombie is your old situationship “just checking in.” Your best defense? Turn your heart’s “Do Not Disturb” mode on full volume and let their message rot in peace.
Undead Apologies and the Frankenstein of Regret
Ah, the apology so thin it could slide under a coffin door: “I just wanted to say I’m sorry... for everything.”
Everything? That’s as specific as a ghost story that ends with “...and then I woke up.”
Like a vampire seeking permission to enter, their remorse is conditional. Brené Brown reminds us that real integrity means “choosing courage over comfort ... and practicing our values rather than simply professing them” [1]. Translation: if your ex’s change of heart sounds like a Halloween costume, it probably is.
Fake accountability is the Frankenstein monster of romance — stitched together, clumsy, and destined to fall apart before dawn. Ask yourself: do you miss them, or do you just miss the drama’s reruns?
The Necromancy of Nostalgia
Here’s the real dark magic: nostalgia. One whiff of an old playlist and suddenly you’re convincing yourself they “weren’t that bad.” (Spoiler: they were.) Nostalgia is the emotional Ouija board that summons selective memory — all the good times, none of the therapy bills.
As relationship oracle Esther Perel notes, “We tend to revisit past lovers not because they have changed, but because we hope they will change the way we feel about ourselves” [2]. Ouch. Keep that quote close — it’s your garlic necklace against emotional vampires. So the next time you whisper, “Just one coffee, for old time’s sake,” ask if you’re digging up closure… or burying it all over again.
The Real Burial
Closure isn’t a séance; it’s blocking with flair. You’re not heartless — you’re housekeeping. Emotional self-preservation means refusing to let your boundaries become a revolving door.
Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab reminds us that “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously” [3]. So when you hit Block, light a metaphorical candle, and toast to self-respect. You’re not rejecting them — you’re resurrecting yourself.
And if they somehow escape their emotional coffin again? Remember: Halloween is the season for tricks — not to be tricked.
Tomorrow’s Finale — Love, Obsession & Other Monsters Under the Bed
Tomorrow, we peel back the final mask for Haunted Hearts Week’s grand finale — where love, obsession, and horror share a bed (and argue over the blanket). Until then, keep your garlic close, your dignity closer, and your ex muted like background ghosts in an old Zoom meeting.
Because the only thing scarier than the ex who wouldn’t die — is forgetting you deserve better.
Essential Oils Guaranteed to Keep Vampires Away (Probably)
If you’re into holistic haunting prevention, try diffusing a blend of clove, rosemary, and common sense. Add a drop of peppermint for clarity, and one of lavender for peace. Studies show [4] that absolutely no scientific studies exist proving this works — but your apartment will smell amazing, and that’s practically witchcraft.
Sources & Further Reading
Brown, Brené. Braving the Wilderness. Random House, 2017. https://brenebrown.com
Perel, Esther. The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins, 2017. https://estherperel.com
Tawwab, Nedra Glover. Set Boundaries, Find Peace. TarcherPerigee, 2021. https://nedratawwab.com
“Essential Oils and Vampires: A Study That Doesn’t Exist (But Should).” Journal of Imaginary Science, Vol 13, Issue 31.
Suggested Books for the Courageously Cynical:
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
Nedra Glover Tawwab, Drama Free